Saturday, April 24, 2010

Mine Matters

some say its mind over matter,
i used to think that mine didn't matter,
now i question what was the matter with my mind,
patience i couldn't find
and with so many matters on my mind,
ppl asked what was the matter all the time.
my mind got consumed
by insecurities and the sickness of self depreciation to which i thought i was immune
and my body got worried bout fate
the fact he it didn't know where it was headin kinda kept it awake
meantime the soul is getting frantic
disliked my wavering faith and had enough of the self hate antics

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Guess who

You ever wonder why
Or question God's mind
cuz the pain inside
from bein on the outside
feels like it will never subside
he said that his works are beyond all understanding
but that doesn't work for us
we're suppose to serve him but treat the Almighty One as if he works for us
even worse, not humbled by his blessings,
doubting and always testing, trespasses we're never confessing.
why mimic the relationship he tries to establish
why turn ur back on change when all ur soul wants to do is grab it
Hate that those who've never experienced luv, openly reject their chance to have it

but I don't really know whats stranger
that i always feel endangered
or that the reflection that glares at me in the mirror is a total stranger
or that i can't stand what im turnin into
or why i feel like i never have someone to turn to
dialed in on life, i forget to call on God
some might fear a bad reception
but December 25 dismisses that very question.
prisoner of my own mind tryna escape imprisonment
yearnin to be free I'm askin for deliverance
I'm ready to change, ready to rid insecurity
ready to leave Satan, ready to search for purity
ready to leave dejection, ready to not deflect
ready to look Jesus in the eyes and tell him i accept
I'm ready to heal, and know it won't be easy, know their will be bumps in the road, so I guess i'm ready to fail.
Ready to look failure in the eyes and greet it with determination, let the hater know I'll be ready to rise
And i'm not much of a fighter, but I know there's a part of me that has to really go so i guess I'm ready to kill.
see i'm devoted to change, and leavin behind a lifestyle and life time bonds, i guess i'll be devoted to pain....

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Too Late

You would think he would've learned
after all the cliches and displays
of love lost and then missed.

I hate it
That he didn't realize he loved me
when he said he loved me;
every time before we hung up the phone,
every time we made up and changed our tone.
Its been three months since we broke up
and now hes looking to make up
because he is realizing what he lost
and how much time he's cost
us. You and me, we.

You would think I would have learned
after all the cliches and displays
of love lost and then missed.

I hate it
that it takes fear for me to realize
how much I love him again.
It dwells in the attic of my heart;
still there collecting dust,
lasting through the rain and the rust.
Then when hes sick or in pain
I get shocked and start to regain
my father-daughter connection to him.
I miss him more when we are together
then when I am away,
hoping this feeling is here to stay.

You would think we would've learned
after all the cliches and displays
of love lost and then missed.

I hate it
that it takes disaster for the world to realize
God is our only hope.
In the mean time, we cling to religion
until tragedy hits and turns routine into fiction.
No more beads to pray with,
no scientists to turn miracle into myth.
Just hope for that everlasting love
never truly found on earth, so eyes turn to Thee above.


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Change gon Come

Maybe it's me
for years, i've adopted an ideology and blamed it on my biology
men stand alone
but maybe its just me
i think the world is against me, but im finding out that im against it
a time ticking bomb, time and life moves on, and i resent it
know that time is money but don't know how to spend it.
blamed love for the lack there of, yet ignore it's presence from the Lord above
Stood stagnant, wouldn't budge
through a tug a war, my soul wanted to find its better half, tryin to pull my heart
ego forcefully pullin it back, relationships fallin a part
so i turn emo, feed off hate, highlight battle scars
rich in pain,blamin the lord for dealin me black cards
Life's hard, but harder when u need to be consistent
but life consists goals whose plans are non existent
i apologize, for lookin at the world with bitter eyes
lookin at my blessings and still think that im terrorized
its a mind state, i wish were simple to overcome
think the start is to always remember that im his Son.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Temporary Grasp

Reaching for a hug, your arms wrap around me, enveloping me once again
with thoughts of tender moments passed. I miss you, and I can tell you miss something
about me. Maybe its my presence, because lately when you are around,
your lungs cant seem to get enough air, trying to breath in every ounce of me.
Maybe it is my warmth, because your hugs get longer and stronger with every embrace.
Like it is the last time you will ever lean your chin on top of my mane, hold my waist, feel the tickle of my curls breeze across your arms, you memorize my body's connection to yours.
It could be the comfort you feel when you pull away and cup my cheek with your hands
that know me just as well as your eyes. Remembering how it was to lay around for hours just to be close, your eyes change and tell me how lonely you are. I start to pull my hand away from yours, but you refuse to let go, like it is going to take away the love I have for you. It is late,
so I say goodnight, and you walk away quickly, never turning back. I struggle to walk the other way, feeling as if we are magnets and our connection is to strong to separate. I get far enough, the pull releases, and we part into our own lives once again, only to hope for another embrace.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Rob T-Shirt

into shades of brown and gold,
your ironed image
draws curious attention like an antique.
Your printed face surrounded by a white canvas
can still light up a room.
The charm behind your smile,
the spirit in your ember eyes,
cannot be expressed or erased.
Since you are unforgettable,
you are undefinable.
A young man who can never be replaced,
just embraced, even from just a glance
at an aging t-shirt.
People still want to know who you are,
and I can not give them a clear answer.
I just tell them you're my brother,
because if I even started to try
to describe who you are,
I could go for hours, but it still wouldn't be enough.
So I keep your memory alive in my heart
and let your picture do the talking.

Seven years since the last day I saw you, but it feels like seven decades!
Love you, Rob!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Remember Me

I never felt so close before
until i was closed out.. door shut
and slammed right on my heart
the pain in vein
my relationship with God tells me to love like I've never been hurt before
and since he blesses me
allowing the muscle of life to repeatedly beat
i repeat the offense, allowing myself to forray uninhibited into relationships
Unenviable friendships of
Sometimes misleading
I hope, someday I'll be repayed, always allowing my friends to convey
their deepest feelings
but where were you when I needed it
When my eyes bled
streams of unenviable tears repetitously fell down my cheek
A feelin so unique
To a man, whose had 20 yrs to grasp and understand the fact that
men don't cry
but on this day, I couldn't help it
the words from my mother were like venom
poisoning my soul, and the result
were an aray of tantalizing thoughts, and pain that for years i've tried to hold
she was worried, about my demeanor, wanted me to get meaner
said the world is cold
don't sacrifice yourself if you yourself can't suffice
don't allow yourself to be misused and abused
these christian principles you follow find shallowness in this world in which hearts are hallow.
and as i struggled...with my identity. my lifestyle.. my essence
wondering why I strive to do right when others don't care if how they treat me was wrong..
emotionally unstable
psyche strangled
no one was there
nobody cared
life just went on...